


Too Good to Touch

by CarisiIsMyHomeBoy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 01:38:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13043835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarisiIsMyHomeBoy/pseuds/CarisiIsMyHomeBoy
Summary: For years, Spencer Reid's life has been filled with sadness. He has seen the worst humanity has to offer. However, once Spencer has found someone to love, he lets his fears and doubts hold him back. Based on the poem 'Reasons Not to Kiss Her' on tumblr.





	Too Good to Touch

She is soft. Spencer knew this the moment he met her, that day all those years ago when she quite literally ran into him outside of a coffee shop one morning. She was rushing to get to work and she was trying to balance her full cup of coffee in one hand, her phone in the other while trying to adjust her purse strap on her shoulder and had not noticed the man in front of her. In her defense, he also wasn’t paying attention. He was too caught up in his latest case that he didn’t see her coming.

She immediately begins apologizing after they collide. Luckily the coffee didn’t spill on either of them, as most of it hit the sidewalk apart from a few specks that landed on Spencer’s shoes. He insisted that it was fine, and allowed himself to look up for the first time since their meeting to see her face. He was so caught off guard he almost didn’t register her question.

“Can I buy your morning coffee?” Her face is expectant and her voice soft and silvery, and he soon realizes that he should answer before he looks foolish. He shakes his head no, tells her that it’s fine.

She continues, “Please? I’m going back in anyway, I’ll just be right behind you in line. I can’t function without coffee.”

She ends her statement with a loud laugh and Spencer swears he has never heard anything so lovely come out of someone’s mouth. So he agrees, and she smiles, and when she extends her hand Spencer can’t help but take it.

Spencer remembers that day perfectly, but he can’t let himself act on his feelings. She is soft, and so is he, but the world is too harsh, too mean. He has seen what the world can do to a person. It can cut them up until they are no longer themselves, and he cannot stand to see that happen to her.

-

She is not the first person Spencer has loved. He knows that she is not the first person to love him, either. His mother, of course, and his team. Morgan, and JJ, and Blake. They all love him, and he loves them, but he does not know how to love. Lila wanted to teach him, but thousands of miles stood between them and before long he was sure she no longer thought about him in that way, and it wasn’t like he really cared about her anymore anyway. Maeve loved him, but their love affair was cut short by a bullet.

He loves her. He is truly, deeply in love with her but he does not know how to love her. He has never had the practice or the lessons on how to treat the person you love. He knows the basics; be kind, make them laugh, and he already does those things for her. But he does not know how to make her feel wanted and loved. And at this point he is too scared to try.

Spencer dreams of loving her. He thinks about finally undoing the not-doing with a kiss that leaves them both breathless, but would his lack of practice show through? He dreams about everything, about slow dancing in the kitchen and holding hands, about loving her in the most intimate of ways, showering her with pent up kisses and praise but he is so scared to hold her in that way. He is too much, he has too much baggage. She knows all of it, and she accepts it, but he knows deep down that he is scarred too deeply to give her the love she deserves.

-

She loves him, so much. Spencer knows that the people he has in his life love him, JJ, Morgan, Garcia, his godsons. They love him, they have told him as much but they do not love him like she loves him. Spencer sees it in the way she looks at him, her pupils dilate when her gaze falls to his lips. He sees it in her texts, telling him to get home safely, to come back in one piece. He sees it in the way she holds him, always asking before she does because she knows how he is but her touch is always warm and loving. 

Does she really think that he doesn’t notice? She tries to hide how she feels, but Spencer is good at his job, and he notices everything. Spencer knows that she loves him outside the realm of friendship, but she is waiting for him to make that move. She knows his past, knows he is scared to love anyone. She does not want to push him and that makes him love her more. It makes him want to tell her how he feels for her, that he aches when he has to leave her. He wants to tell her that he knows that she loves him, but he is scared. He is so scared to drown and take her down with him because he does not know how to be loved.

-

She is beautiful. She has always been beautiful to him, though through the years his definition of her beauty had changed. When they met, of course the first thing Spencer had noticed about her was the way she looked. Her eyes shining bright and full of kindness, her smile that nearly knocked him off of his feet. Sure, Spencer had seen countless beautiful people in his life but she was something different, something that, for once in his life, left Spencer’s mind blank in search for a word or phrase to describe it.

Being a man of science, Spencer has never believed in love at first sight, but meeting her challenged his beliefs. She was beautiful, sure, but Spencer knew in his gut that she was so much more than that. The more they saw one another, as their friendship grew and he learned more about her mind and her heart, he learned that she was not only lovely on the outside. No, she was a good person. She genuinely cared about the people around her, about her world.

She is beautiful, so beautiful that Spencer has always been scared to touch her in that way. Scared that he may make her dirty; leave her damaged in some way, like he is. Every hug they exchange, every time Spencer curls up against her body after a long, harrowing case, him clinging to her tightly as she holds him close, he reminds himself to hold back.

-

She always knows; whenever he calls after a case that leaves him gutted and feeling hollow, she hears the difference in his voice and begs him to visit her. Every time, he goes to her place; when he’s too tired and empty she offers to make the drive to his apartment. She is there for him, always, like good friends are. She knows the horrors of his job, she’s heard his screams when he has nightmares and he has told her stories of what he’s seen. Children murdered, women defiled and mutilated. He has truly seen the worst of what humanity has to offer, so she always tries to show him the good.

This one, this case was hard on Spencer. She could tell by the way he hung his head as he walked into her living room, the look in his eyes. He says nothing, he just walks into her open arms and wraps his arms around her, finally letting his dam break, and his tears fall onto her shoulder.

“Come on,” she whispers, “Let’s sit on the sofa and you can tell me about it. Or don’t, I’ll just hold you,” so they do, and she holds him until his cries subside and all he is left with are a few sniffles. He stays quiet for a long while, except for a ‘thank you’ and they sit there, she holds him like his body is glass and he could break at any moment. At times, that is how he feels - like he is so close to finally breaking. And he is terrified to break and leave her to pick up the pieces of him.

-

She is so full of life. She knows how to live, and Spencer loves the moments when she makes him forget about his life and reminds him to live, too. He treasures days like this, when he’s off and doesn’t have to think about murders and rapists and terrorists and he can be with her. They never do anything extravagant or extraordinary, but these are the days he enjoys the most.

Sometimes they sit in a quiet coffee shop, or rest under a tree in a park. Other days, the two of them lay on her couch, watching bad movies and eating greasy takeout. It is these days that he is reminded how much he truly loves her; she is so comfortable and she is home. They lay together in a way that they probably shouldn’t; limbs tangled together under a blanket on her small couch, so close that he can smell her hair and the chapstick she uses, and he fights with himself every time. Wanting to kiss her, to finally do the thing he has been thinking about doing for so long.

Then he remembers Maeve, the first woman he fell in love with. He remembers Diane, the gun that she held to Maeve, and the inevitable gunshot that he can still hear plain as day in his mind. He can still see the light leave Maeve’s eyes as she died, murdered right in front of him. Reminded that he never got the chance to even kiss Maeve, he tells himself that this is for the best. He could not bear to see the same emptiness in her eyes.

-

She would catch him, and he knows that. She’s told him as much; that she would be there for him no matter what came at them, but did she know the extent of that? Did she truly understand what that may entail? It was no secret that his mind was full of horrors, but it was so much deeper than that. Ever since he was young enough to understand his mother’s disease, Spencer has been afraid of his own mind. Not just of what he could do with it, but what it could to do him.

Spencer’s twenties were filled with worry; knowing that oftentimes schizophrenia showed itself in that time frame. He was able to breathe a sigh of relief once he hit his 30s, only to have another disease haunt his mother. It killed Spencer to know that one day his mom may not recognize his face or remember who he is. Dementia would most likely be in the back of his mind until the day he dies, always wondering if he will wake up one day and not remember his time at the BAU, or his mom, or her. More than that, though, he worried about her witnessing his seemingly inevitable fall down into the darkness that is dementia.

His father had left him and his mom because of her disease. It got to be too much for him to handle, understandably. After taking care of his mom himself for a short time, a small part of him understood. Would he one day become too much for one person to handle? Too much, that even love could not make them stay? Throughout his life Spencer has witnessed countless marriages end for different reasons. Hotch lost Haley to a bullet, a disease tore his own parents apart. Spencer could not make himself build a life with her just to have it taken away.

-

She is sweet, but she has her sour days. Days when the world and the people in it get to be too much for her, so she retreats. She hides out, calling in to work, barely having the energy to drink a glass of water or wash her face. He hates when she is like this, and he is relieved when she agrees to let him check in on her.

The sight he walks into always manages to make his heart ache; a dark living room, a tired and distant look in her eyes as she answers her door. No smile to greet him, no joke about his unruly hair or crooked tie. She mutters a greeting before falling back onto her couch, and he follows suit. Asking permission before he hugs her or rubs her back, even though her answer is always the same. She leans into him, and depending on how bad it is, she opens up to him.

It’s not like she’s naive or gullible, but she wants to believe that there is still good in the world. She wants to believe that people are inherently good. If she doesn’t, she’ll drive herself crazy. Part of Spencer is thankful for that, After all the bad he sees on a daily basis, he likes that she reminds him of the good. It’s times like these, though, that he wants to grab her and beg her to grow a tougher skin. He wants to tell her that the world is not good, but he doesn’t. He knows that she doesn’t need that right now, not while she’s feeling the way she feels.

Spencer knows all too well what it is like to hate yourself; to feel empty. To hate everything around you. All too often he feels the same. Not suicidal, but wanting the world to stop for a while. Wanting to feel something other than despair for once. He hates that she feels that way and he does everything he can think of to help her.

Spencer looks down at her while she’s in his arms and he wonders if he is partially to blame for her pain, if he could make her happier if he would just be open for once and allow himself to love again. He is scared to hurt her, but he wonders if this, his silence, is hurting her. It is a vicious circle that he does not know how to break.

-

She is good. Not just in the way she acts, but in the way that she is. She still believes there is good in the world and always tries to find happiness in the little things; she always finds the silver linings.

Spencer vaguely remembers a time when he felt the same. When he first joined the FBI he was full of optimism. He knew he could have done anything with his life, having three PhDs at the tender age of twenty-three was more than impressive and they would have taken him anywhere he would have wanted to go, but he chose the FBI at Quantico. That decision continues to keep him up at night, wondering if he made the right choice. If the heartache and the pain he had endured were worth it.

He knows he cannot logically blame all of his problems on his job. Not even his addiction. Even though he would have never taken dilaudid if it wasn’t forced into him while he was held in Georgia, it was his choice to take it again once he was back home. It was Spencer who sought out dealers in D.C., not Hankel, his captor. He came very close to ruining his career, as well as any chance of a nice future, for a high.

Spencer is sure he came close to making his mother’s mental state worse when he tried to care for her himself. Years of guilt over hardly visiting her finally got to him and he made the decision to move her in with him. How was he so ignorant to believe that he could help her? He had hired help, but it was idiotic and selfish for him to think that she was better off with him.

His journey to help his mom had done more harm than good, eventually landing him in federal prison. The charges were dropped after proving that he was framed for the murder of Rosa Medina, but the damage had been done. He still woke up in cold sweats, those prison bars still haunting his dreams at night.

Spencer was damaged goods, his career and life were in jeopardy until he cleared his name and got reinstated into the bureau, but still, he feels flawed. Cracked. Ruined. 

He manages to ruin everything he touches, and he cannot ruin her.

-

She knows about every bad thing that has happened in his life. She knows about his mother, his father leaving. She knows about Tobias Hankel and the dilaudid, and about Gideon. He has told her about Maeve’s death, and Emily and Blake leaving. Cat Adams, being framed for murder, ultimately being sent to prison. He has had enough sadness and heartbreak to last a lifetime and she knows about all of it. She saw him in prison, of course she bugged Emily enough until she agreed to let her visit him. She knows about his past, his fears, and insecurities.

Spencer has told her about the time in high school when some older kids found out about a crush he had and stripped him naked in front of the whole school, which is where his hatred of his body came from. He has told her about being so young in high school that he never got the chance to go to dances or have any real fun, he feels like he couldn’t have a childhood because his mind was so big, there was so much to learn. Besides, no one wanted to hang out with a 12 year old child prodigy in the twelfth grade anyway. She knows that after Hankel was dead, Spencer stole his drugs and continued to take them just so he could feel something, and how he hated himself for it.

She knows about all of the bad in his life, and the bad things he has done. She knows, and she loves and accepts him all the same. Still he cannot bring himself to take that leap and let himself fully love her. She is too good, too light to be buried in all that he has experienced.

-

He loves her. God, he loves her and he is so tired of being alone. He’s tired of being scared, being selfish; he’s tired of fighting. He has had so much sadness in his life, he deserves happiness. He deserves someone to love him, and so does she.

Back at her place, they’re watching reruns of a TV show they both like. They’ve seen this episode so many times they can recite it from memory, but still there is no place either of them would rather be. Spencer looks over to her, and she feels his gaze on her so she turns her head and her cheeks turn red. “What?” she asks.

Reaching for the TV remote, he pauses their show and scoots closer to her. The look of embarrassment on her face turns to one of confusion as he does so, and she is about to ask him another question before he grabs her hand, briefly rendering her speechless.

“I love you,” he breathes, “I’m in love with you. I’m sorry I haven’t said so sooner, I was just scared.”

When she finally speaks, it is a low whisper, “Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. Hurting you, being hurt myself. Scared of everything, really. But I’m being honest, I love you. So much. Do you love me?” He knows the answer, but he needs to hear her say it.

She doesn’t say those three words, though. Instead, she squeezes his hand and gives him an answer in the form of a different three words, “Spencer, kiss me.”

And so he does. He presses his lips to hers slowly, finally doing the one thing he’s dreamt of for so long, and he can’t help but realize how perfect and right this feels. To love her, to be this close to her.


End file.
